Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Hope in the Lover of my Soul

I woke up one morning thinking about ways God speaks to me! Yes. God talks to me. :) Usually when people say that, we wait for the next weird thing that they will say... like, "if we build it, they will come!"  Well, yes indeed I'm about to say something VERY "weird".

Jesus is EVERYTHING. It's ALL about Him. Everything. One day, I believe we're all going to see that clearly and it's going to be SUCH a joyous thing!! I so seriously can't wait.

I was thinking about the day I found out Noah had a serious Chromosomal Abnormality. He was born three months before, via a c-section. We were having a scheduled c-section after my first birth with Holly which was supposed to be a home birth and ended up being 84 hours of labor and 5 hours of pushing and then finally a C-Section! So with Holly, I went through EVERYTHING I WAS HOPING TO NOT GO THOUGH and ended up knowing a MUCH BIGGER GOD!!  Seems to be a pattern for me...

But Noah's c-section was scheduled, which was one blessing in a million... Babies with Noah's disability often have serious complications from natural births. We had no idea there was anything wrong with Noah. My big fear was having to have the needle placed in for my epidural. It was EXTREMELY hard and painful with Holly because of the fact that I have mild scoliosis. I told the anesthesiologist about this and he did not seem concerned, as a matter of fact when I asked Frank if he could pray about it, the man scoffed at me and said, "do you doubt my ability so much!?"... Silly man. My main fear actually wasn't the pain so much, but passing out (which I often do) right before they were to do a c-section!

It ended up being a VERY difficult process. As I was arching forward to help him to be able to get the needle in my spine (or wherever they put it, I DON'T want to know, HA!) I tried to think of a song to sing out loud so that my mind would not take me to the point of passing out. The only song that would come to my head is, "It's all about you." (I think that's the title) I had VERY recently learned this song on worship team and couldn't understand why, of all the many songs I knew, THIS was the one I sang over and over for about 30 minutes!! I sang it with gusto and it indeed kept me from passing out.

Here are some of the lines...
"It's all about you, JESUS, and all this is for you. For you glory and your fame.
It's not about me, as if you should do things my way. You alone are God and I surrender, to your will....
Jesus, LOVER of my soul, all consuming fire is in your gaze.
Jesus, I want you to know I will follow you all my days..."

So, let's fast forward three months. We knew "something" was up with Noah and we had people praying like crazy. A few of my friends in the medical field, seemed to think Noah was "just fine" just a little slow in developing. The tests would come with good results they assured us.

The tests did NOT come back just fine. I got the phone call that indeed, there was a significant chromosomal abnormality and the nurse couldn't tell me a lot about it on the phone other than to say that it was not a known syndrome.

Holly and Noah were napping. I called Frank at work to tell him and then hung up, and cried and cried and cried. This is THAT moment. You know, those moments when the floor drops out. We ALL have them. They're different for everyone and no one's is really worse than the others'. It's a personal thing. 

After my sob fest, I went to my chair and just grabbed my bible and told God that if there was EVER a time I really needed to hear from Him, it was NOW. Usually, if I were to flip open the bible just anywhere and ask God for specific wisdom, I would get some crazy thing like, "...and then Judas hung himself."  This would be my normal "luck"... I don't win lotteries, I win children with rare Chromosomal Anomalies! 

This day was different. I found a Psalm and just started reading.
I felt God speak to me strongly through that Psalm as though it were to be the theme of my journey with Noah. Indeed it HAS been...

Here is what I read from Psalm 16: The whole thing spoke to me, but I'll copy the things that I especially felt...
"Keep me safe O God. For in YOU I take refuge.
I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord: apart from you,  I have NO GOOD THING.
LORD, YOU have assigned me my portion and my cup; YOU have made my lot secure!
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a DELIGHTFUL inheritance!
I will praise the LORD who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.
Because HE is at my right hand I will NOT be shaken.

**Now here was the part that REALLY struck me, because this Psalm is known to be a prophetic Psalm. (meaning it was talking about the coming of Jesus WELL before He came)
It says, "because you will NOT abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your HOLY One see decay."

At that point, reading this, all I could think about was that ONE song that I was singing through my VERY difficult time during the c-section... IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU! That's what I felt Him telling me. "It's all about Me, my Chris... and don't worry, I have your boundary lines exactly drawn where they need to be. PLEASANT PLACES."  As hard as everything has been... I've always somehow known that He has me... 
It ends with...
"YOU have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand."

That is one of the many, many ways God has spoken to me in my life. Could be just my active imagination... but I think it's really the Active Lover of my soul.  Speaking of Lovers...

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We have this Hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.
Hebrews 6:19