Saturday, January 19, 2013
Hope in the Midst of Hospice
It feels to me that I've been working on trying to heal over the last couple of years. Things that just don't seem to want to work themselves out in my head continue to haunt me on occasion and cause me to wrestle with feelings of despair and doubt. I wish to God that I could just "get over it!"
I keep waiting for this resolution to magically happen or that I will finally find the key to work toward peace. But there are no magic formulas. Perhaps if I had been born with a glass-half-full personality, I would see things differently. But I was born me.
I don't feel that I'm a major downer. I TRY not to be. But I can't pretend that I feel good on days that I just don't. I don't believe in sugar coating things. One of my favorite lines from the book/movie The Princess Bride is, "Life is hard Princess, anyone who tells you differently is trying to sell you something!"
I have nothing to sell.
Then there are the times where the Light shines through and my Hope is restored for awhile. Those times, I believe, are the REAL times. The TRUE times. I tend to be a spiritual person, so I often find my times of hope through spiritual things happening. I guess those times could be an expression of my active imagination. I'm open to that possibility. I guess we'll never know this side of eternity.
So now a new wrestling match had begun.
Next to my husband, I would have to say that my Mother has always been my very best friend. I would call her every day just to chat and share my life with her. I would call her or visit her when I was at my lowest in life and knew I could just sob on her shoulder for awhile. She didn't try to fix me, she would just love on me. Then, she'd call later and see how I was. My Mother is an amazing woman with a strength that I have never been able to grasp nor comprehend. My Mother found out in November that she had Cancer.
This is a piece I wrote about the day she found out she had cancer.
Things went quickly downhill since that day and now my Mother is in the final days of Hospice. I've been going home many evenings to take care of her for a few hours so my Dad could catch some sleep without having to worry. More recently she has not been able to communicate well and rarely opens her eyes. I began singing to her the songs that I had sung on worship team. She seemed to really enjoy that and it would often put her to sleep.
I had been a part of a worship team for about 17 years at a church. I honestly feel that experience taught me an amazing part of my personal relationship with God. To me, it was about my loving on Him/Her through music and singing and not caring about what anyone else around me thought. We were in a church worshiping together, so of course there were people around me. But that to me, is a picture of my relationship with God. I share it with many other people, but it is still mine and unique.
One evening I was singing to Momma and she leaned forward to sit up and looked into my eyes. I kept singing, so glad that she was showing purposeful eye contact. She just watched me. As I was singing this amazing feeling I used to get while singing on worship team came over me. It had been quite awhile since I felt that and it's not something I can "produce" any more than I can rid myself of those horrible feelings I spoke about at the beginning of this.
My Momma began to look past me to a corner of the room. She motioned with her head quite a few times. I KNOW what she was trying to say. That there was something behind me. It's the same corner of the room that she has seen other spiritual type of things. Not all of them have been pleasant.
Normally, her doing something like that would scare the crap out of me, to put it bluntly. I'd have to turn around to be sure there was nothing there. I am a huge chicken. But only a feeling of amazing comfort and peace came to me and I just kept singing and looking at her. I smiled at her and nodded as if saying with all my heart,
"Yes Momma, I know, He's here, He's REAL and He's TRUE and HE LOVES US!"
I have Hope in the things that are REAL and TRUE. Like the comfort I feel with a cup of coffee and being able to blog my feelings on a Saturday afternoon. The love I feel for my children. My husband's reassuring words, hugs and kisses. Dear friends reaching out and offering love and laughter. Knowing the unconditional love we share in my family. The GOOD memories that bring a smile to my face and warmth to my heart. The fact that I know that Hospice for my Momma is not where it all ends, but where it Begins. The times when I know that my God is real and loves me.